I was so Worried I Baked a Whole Cake

Yellow Pages 
She'd text him shortly after Cris left because she was mad paranoid. But she'd totally just send one cool calm and collected message. Because he was likely 110% FINE. Yeah????

are you alive
wilhelm Wilhelm wiwlwhelememleemlememl im worried RESPOND
if u don't reply PRONTO i am going to burn the coyote house down
you're basically DAD you can't be dead too

And then she was kinda worried Jo had his fucking phone and was reading these messages?????

Oh my God? No?

She went for the bottle of wine to sip what her and Cris hadn't finished.

if jo is reading this im totally kidding lol hi jo i love coyotes


Beauregard had been in better spirits as of late. It left him out and about, hunting a bit more freely instead of moping at home.

Regrettably, in this case, he’d left his phone in the car. He was hardly attached to the thing and had business cards if he needed to exchange numbers.

Three hours would pass before a response.

I am quite alright , my dear, though I would not mourn the loss of the coyotes
What has put such concern in your head ?

He would not delve into such complicated issues as “basically DAD.”

Here was the thing.

He was awake.

And not. Responding.



If she texted him at night he had to RESPOND QUICKLY DIDN'T HE NORMALLY????

Katya wanted to vomit from tension in her stomach. She drank more wine instead and then a lot of water and then stood in the shower for fifteen minutes as it ran and then paced and then considered texting Cris to ask for Dax's number and then to get Dax to tell her where the fuck Wilhelm was currently living and then go check or maybe just straight up go and ask Jo about him and and and.

That feeling of puking from earlier came back when he replied but it was mostly out of relief. She felt stupid. Thumped her head with a palm as if to get rid of the stupid.

But then also.

how do i know this is him


Beauregard nearly laughed. Certainly he’d been practicing his text messaging as of late, but likely his style was still rather recognizable.

What had the coyotes done to scare his little artist.

He was ultimately rather familiar with paranoia as a way to suffer and answered relatively straightforwardly.

I could send you additional cat toys for verification but I fear that both my crocheting abilities and the us post office are rather sluggish
You are welcome to call if this proves unconvincing




That was him. Jo couldn't even fake that.

She called anyway.

Incoming call from Katya


How curious. Beauregard wondered eagerly what had frightened her so sincerely.

Bonsoir, Katya. Are you alright, my dear?

There was little mistaking his voice, relaxed as it was while he reclined in his car.


Bonsoirno you don't have a gun pointed to your head or anything yes you aren't surrounding by multiple humans who smell like dog piss


This was increasingly strange.

He frowned.

I do believe if I was in such a predicament I would not be answering the phone. Should I be concerned about this happening in the near future?

His gaze wandered into the darkness outside his far.



No no ok I'm just super dumb. Sorry to disturb you I just had a thought and then you didn't reply for 3 hours but you normally do so I'm gonna go. Just wanted to make sure you were safe that's all because Weres are crazy

Press FLEEEEEEEEEE button.

What a little paranoid mess. Beauregard was approving of her concern and yet still worried for his safety.

You need not apologize. I mistakenly left my phone in the car for some time this evening. I did not intend to worry you.

There was something slightly more serious in his tone as he continued. He was more interested in this answer than any previous one, and his voice softened as if he might miss her response.

Have the coyotes threatened you in some way, Katya?


He was not letting her ABORT MISSION and it would've been great at any other time because his voice was all soothing and he felt like a guardian but pls???

This was the worst she was never gonna let her imagination run wild again. She was gonna glue her head to the floorboards of her flat if it'd help.

Answering his question honestly or not didn't even need to be considered.

One of them tried to like, abduct me, I think. Or hurt me. I dunno. He wanted to take me upstairs in their club but I got out of it. Had dinner with their Jo lady after it



The word broke free of his composure before he could stop it, venomous in his obvious disgust.

Beauregard had lived long enough to understand what men who dragged small young women to private areas of clubs wanted.

What on earth did she say to explain his behavior?

That ugly, masculine woman. He could only imagine what excuses she made for the grubby paws of her fellow animals.


Katya was sure she'd never heard Wilhelm, like. Lose his chill. Even for one word. It made her blink quickly for a few moments, before she moved into the fortress to lie on her back. Still smelt a little like pizza.

That's he's weird


His expression was a near snarl. This close to the new moon, he felt his temper dangerously near the surface.

Beauregard forced himself to speak gently to her, but there was little missing the seriousness of his words.

Tell me everything you can recall about what he looked like. His mannerisms. If you know his name.


Hello, she was kinda scared. Wilhelm was scary.

Mostly, though, she felt wildly shielded and protected and that was so nice to the point where Ben could fuck himself for being creepy. All she'd said was she was interested in learning about Weres.

Ben, apparently. Your height, forties, brown hair, average looking averagely dressed. Umm. His face? Kinda looks like an elf, if I had to give you something to think of??
After that night Jo found me online. She was chill and we parted ways but. It all felt creepy


Found her online.

The nosy bitch. It was impossible not to be reminded of Margaux.

He sighed softly.

I must ask that you keep far away from them, Katya. I am thankful for your safety, but their intentions likely aren’t good. If Jo asks to meet with you in the future, stay clear.


She'd promised to paint Jo.

She definitely wouldn't paint Jo. Wilhelm said so.

Didn't plan on it. I don't know how I'm not dead, so... you're not there, right?? Larkspur? Are you even in Mountainside?


I am splitting my time between Red Rock and the outskirts of town. Apparently leopards lurk in the former, but thankfully they have not come nipping for me yet. One of these days I will settle in or flee, I suppose.

Beauregard had, as much as he could manage them, plans to avoid departing the area. But Katya was likely an utterly open source of information to everyone in her life, and so for now, he was mindful as to what he shared.

Red Rock. Osvald. O-Dogs.

Also leopards weren't polar bears.

She thought quietly for a few moments after he'd finished.

Are you gonna tell me if you flee. And where you're going. If you ditch for Paris or something you're gonna make me jealous so you're gonna have to send photos and postcards and things

He'd probably fit into a place like Paris better than Mountainside. People were fancy there and drank a lot of wine didn't they. He could drink blood wine and nobody would notice. That was probably a thing.

He chuckled, finding some of his prior tension having faded slightly.

If Paris is my next home, I will alert you promptly. But journeys across the ocean are rather tricky for a vampire, I'm afraid. Perhaps in time. I will keep you updated if anything changes. For now, patience is an unfortunate requirement in my life.


Vampires probably had feet which could turn into propellers and he could just swim across the ocean. If not that then he could probably just swim at a normal pace forever because he was like. Dead?? Did corpses float?

What did they do in Twilight? Didn't Edward like just run-fly over the sea??

Also. It was annoying that the way he said Paris was so French and SNOBBY but also not because it low-key sounded nice. >:|


It was just a happy okay. Ok.

What are you gonna do with Ben's name?


I am as of yet undecided, but nothing that will endanger you or even Jo in any way, you have my word.

Ideally meet the idiot somewhere in Red Rock and convince him to walk out into traffic, though he was unsure if tires to the head were enough to kill a shifter.

Jo let her live so yeah she guessed that was pretty sweet. Thanks Jo. You just make creepy friends.


You're the bessssstbestbestbestbest Vamp just so you know

It naturally made her the bessssstbestbestbestbest human too so he didn't even need to say it.

Beauregard had forgotten the degree to which Katya was so very... herself.

I am sure you have met many others to compare.

Spoken gently with humor in his voice.

I do appreciate your checking in, Katya. I will let you know if anything changes. Take care, and stay clear of coyotes, my dear.


Had he always said my dear or did he used to say just dear.

No idea.

But it seemed like a Wilhelm Goodbye which she was gonna take even though she kinda didn’t want to now that they’d established he wasn’t dying.

Okay, bye byeee talk soon

Basically guardian angel.

She hung up. Where was Gilligan to take to bed.

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