Can you wait 15 days for delivery?

Yellow Pages 
@"Beauregard Bertrand"

I saw this and thought of you
[Image: prdoh7N.jpg]

Of course Asha sent this at 1 in the afternoon so it'd be ten thousand years before she got a response back.

It would be 9:02pm when she received her response.

Beauregard was suffering, once again, with a mild headache. Arguably it was a psychosomatic issue, as he couldn't imagine any of the typical causes of a headache could possibly be plaguing a walking corpse.


Brows furrowing, he eventually shook his head as he determined the general feeling of her message. All these lonely young women.

Marginally larger than the yarn I typically work with , though I suppose if anyone can wait 15 days, it's the immortal.


Ten thousand years later, Asha forgot she'd even sent the message.

ah yes, us puny short-lived kittens could hardly manage such an eternity as two weeks
how is my favorite vampire doing


She liked to call herself a kitten. Beauregard would leave his commentary at that.

He did hope she was sincere in saying that he was her favorite vampire; he could not imagine one more charming.

Suffering the indignity of a mild headache , but I will find the strength within me to survive. How is my favorite kitten?


Asha squealed terribly. Even though she'd called herself a kitten and he was just echoing her words. Didn't matter. He said she was his favorite kitten.

doing VERY well
thanks to you

And Abraham, but she could only suck so many ego-dicks at once.

got a way better remote job than the one I had in Larkspur and we're planning to move to a place that isn't a safe house hotel soon
a little tiny bit of sandalwood oil rubbed on your temples can help a headache by the way
twice as good if you have someone attractive doing it for you

Asha was being cheeky.

He shook his head to her latter sentiments.

All of these lonely young women.

Many congratulations, though I am not at all surprised to hear of your success. You are deservedly ambitious.
I'll have to see if I can procure some sandalwood , then. I know someone who might fit the bill if she isn't too busy looking at yarn advertisements.

Perhaps a bit bold, but he could hardly be blamed. New moon and all.

Heart eyes for his compliments.

More heart eyes for his. Other. Compliments. In fact, maybe she was having a heart-eyed aneurysm.

hmmmmm I'll have to check in and see if she-
...oh wait hang on, she's saying something right now-
"I would love to give you a head massage, beau! ♡"

89% sure he was teasing but like, she was allowed to have crushes on protective way older classy vampires and also tease them back, right???

It was a cute little show. Beauregard would have sincerely pursued the offer if she wasn't... some awful half-animal. That was the very unfortunate reality of Asha, ultimately limited in her use and charm by the beast in her blood.

He pondered a wildly inappropriate answer before deciding to behave.

You tempt me to call your bluff, Asha, but the new moon saves you.
Vampires make rather troublesome company these days out of the year.

If she was some variety of human, he would have her in his teeth by now. What a waste of a human form was Asha.

She grinned terribly. He was terrible. No way would he, like... Or would he?

... Was it cheating if the guy was technically dead? Yes, probably. Also she was very conveniently forgetting that he would smell very much dead.

it's just a massaaaage
do you guys go group hunting on the new moon?


He left the massage commentary alone for now.

I am disinclined to share on my best days. I'm afraid new moons make me rather hissy.
When you consider the prey is relatively human , hunting in some variety of pack formation can prove very problematic


I get hissy over food too

Connections! They were important.

but yeah, that makes sense
so are you all just lonely on the new moon then


Vampires never dine alone.

That wasn't true, he supposed, for some like Edvin. That was earned loneliness.

But beyond dinner , I do tend to spend most new moons all on my lonesome. Somehow I survive to the next day. I assume you do not spend the full moon all alone?

Pack animals, and all that.

W h a t e v e r. Technicalities. But also he just said he made poor company on the new moon so how was she supposed to know he still ate???

nope, it's a big excuse for us all to get together and go camping

In her dreams. Asha would one day have all the jaguars still in Mountainside together on a full moon... maybe.

I have perhaps naughtily taken to the woods on a few full moon evenings to see what I could observe, but thus far I have been unable to find any trouble.


who told you anything happens on the full moon!

It was probably Asha. She was very trusting.

honestly it's mostly like watching a nature documentary
except sometimes I talk by accident


What do you say?



You were very lucky she wasn't a fox.

I think one time I said "no"
during some cat slap fight or another
it's only been in really intense moments that it's happened I think


That was an exceptionally uninteresting response. He sighed.

Is it difficult to speak or merely undesirable ?



the cat's never been a fan of me taking charge, so both I guess
she seems to have been more willing to share control lately so maybe I'll give it more of a shot and let you know how it goes
maybe I'm finally growing up from tiny roo kitten to fierce roo predator

:D Roo roo roo.

A... roo something? Beauregard could not imagine what that duplicated typo was supposed to represent.

I don't believe fierce predator and tiny kitten are mutually exclusive.


He knew what she meant, OKAY.

no but
bigger teeth and claws

Flappy hands. Anyway it didn't matter, she had a better question.

hey did I ever show you a clip from when I shifted into a baby roocat
[video clip of baby kitten Meowsha rolling around on the coffee table with a catnip toy in her paws and then falling off it but still high as fuck and happy, but it'll take a minute to send so take that as you will]


Beauregard gave in and searched for "roo cat" on the internet and was provided only with additional questions.

That was when a video message notification appeared at the top of his screen, and as he tapped to watch it, he...

Marveled some. A small but decidedly not tiny predator rolling about. What variety of magic had turned shifters into literal kittens and his lovely bird form into a damned goat?

Does this mean jaguars are susceptible to catnip ?


"Seeeend. Seeeennnnnnd."


She waited with a wiggle for a reaction. About. How cute she was.

Instead it was a different question!

some are!!!
just like some cats are and some aren't
I am very, but it affects me like it affects cats
I get about a fifteen minute insane high and then it doesn't affect me at all for like another hour

Please tell her she's cute :(

Beauregard briefly suffered brain damage because Drew forgot a previous thread, and the reminder that she'd been nibbling catnip in his presence some time ago returned to him.

How very, very strange.

I have crocheted a few catnip toys for more typically sized felines. Would a fierce, predatory kitten with larger teeth and claws still have interest in such a thing ?


Asha loved catnip toys to an absolutely embarrassing degree. Except she wasn't about to be embarrassed about it.

I can tell you for a fact that she would loooove toys made by her favorite vampire
it depends on if you also think she's cute


Considering what amounted to a wild animal to be cute was a foolish thing. As a whole, Beauregard used "cute" in a way overwhelmingly condescending.

It is not very polite of her to offer an ultimatum for a gift. Perhaps it's best I stick with well-mannered felines ?


noooo it's okay I'll behaaaave

Endless pouting because he wouldn't call her cute. So. She put her phone on silent and went whining to Abraham, flopping on him and asking if he thought she was cute when she was a kitten even though he'd already told her that a while back.

Even with the frown, that was less ungrateful behavior.

In that case, do send me your address whenever it is you move. Are you staying within Crestview?


"Yes," Abraham said to the flopping and concern. "Even though I almost died when she chased me up a tree."

And then he'd like, pet her hair. Look how nice Abraham was.

"She would never let you diiieee," Asha cooed, pulling him down to her in a hug before letting him soothe her ego.

Abraham was the best right now. Suuuuper best right now. She enjoyed a hair petting for about fifteen minutes until she decided to check her phone again.


Jerk. But she had her ego soothed, so she was gonne be nice.

no we're moving to magic hollowwww


At some point he would super low key try to braid her hair but fail immediately and pretend it hadn't happened, petting down the slightly twisted spot instead.

And otherwise he'd be nice all fifteen minutes.

Magic Hollow. Beauregard knew very little of the place.

I admit I am largely unfamiliar with the Hollow. Why there in particular ?

Perhaps some... shifter group in the making.

Asha really really really liked Abraham's attempt at braiding and was a little sad that he immediately gave up, but the attention still felt very good and she kind of wanted to proceed with it.

But Beauregard had a question and she still had to divide her attention. Ruuuuuude.

not too far from everything
not too close to cops and murdery vampires

She texted very slowly for an Asha, but she was seconds away from purring, sooo.

There was more to ask. Why, for example, she thought there to be a reduced police presence in the Hollow.

But sincerely, he tired of typing before very long, wishing he could somehow manage text messages on a computer instead. A larger keyboard was kinder to his fingers.

Instead, he left the conversation where it stood and sought to go about his evening if she didn't happen to reply.

Nope nope, all good Beaubeau.

Asha fiddled on her phone while she remained with her head in Abraham's lap. After some time trawling YouTube and showing him dumb cat videos and asking him to rank her to the cats, Asha plopped her phone down and...

Asked Abraham to braid her hair again.

Asha would always come in first place in the rankings because Abraham valued his life and happiness.

The request was unexpected but... kind of heartwarming?!

Except he didn't really fully understand how braiding actually worked. So he... grabbed two small sections of hair and kind of. Just. Twirled them around each other. He could tie a lot of special knots from Boy Scouts but none of them were hair braiding?!

Asha would probably feel the dumb twisting at her scalp.

The thing about someone else doing anything with her hair was that it always felt good. She couldn't... necessarily tell that it wasn't being done right. Too focused on the good feelings, the little tingles it sent up her neck and the back of her head and also wherever he focused the twisting. Her heartbeat slowed, feeling immensely happy and cared for.

Purr. Jaguars don't even purr. Didn't matter.

She rested her hand on his leg, and maybe he'd feel her fingers and the ball of her palm very, very gently... kneading against it. She kind of didn't even realize.

Abraham didn't really get it.

But his cat did, alerting him somewhat unconsciously to the movement.

Smiling in a way that made him look younger and older at once, crinkling at the corners of his eyes, he continued his silly braiding process, letting the first twisted section slowly untie itself as he moved on to the next.

Everything felt... super good, to a very ridiculous degree. There was eating a good meal, getting drunk, having a nice nap, having amazing sex transcending multiple planes of existence. All those were amazing in their own right, for different reasons.

But there was nothing capable of reaching the calm of having her hair played with. If his hands wouldn't get tired, Asha likely would pester him to do this for hours. Honestly, she probably would pester him more anyway.

But for now, zen overtook her, and within minutes, sleep snuck up on Asha with her head still in his lap.

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