Yellow Pages 
A package was placed on Abraham and Asha's doorstep heavily by some pimply ginger kid. He huffed from the weight of it on his spaghetti arms, and reached up to ring the doorbell before rushing back to his mail truck. What was left on the doorstep was a package about 20 x 12 inches. When opened, it would be packed with red and green krinkle cut confetti and had a note laying at the top that read.

Hope this thing it's too tacky for you guys.
Thanks for all of your help and understand this past however long we've been friends.
Go Jaguars!

Beneath that note, surrounded by the confetti, would be a carved wooden sculpture of a jaguar that was about 12 inches tall and 8 inches wide at the base.

Pretend thats made out of wood and not bronze, also image more tum tum


Abraham knew what this package was.

Well. Actually. No. But he knew it was coming! And who it was from. So basically it was the same thing.

Bringing it inside, he did the thing that all grown adults did when a gift arrived that they probably weren't supposed to open alone.



Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Asha flew down the stairs with maximum grace to demand the present open. They'd have to send him a gift too!



It was big.

Abraham didn't know what was inside, but spurred on by Asha's enthusiasm, he pawed it open like some kind of child on Christmas. And managed to get bits of confetti paper all over the couch cushion he'd set it on.

There was... a head sticking out. And Abraham recognized the shape because he, too, sometimes looked like that. (There was a note, too, and he gave that to Asha but didn't wait for her to read it.) With care, he lifted it slowly out of the box for only a small showering of paper.

"Oh my God he made this!"

A big, stumpy, tacky jaguar. But maybe the right kind of tacky for two jaguars ROO ROO ROO.

Asha had a note!

"It says, 'Hope this thing is too tacky for you guys. Thanks for all of your help and understanding this past however long we've been friends. Go Jaguars!' Like he's a jaguars fan!"

She looked at the head poking out and oh my God. "Oh my god this is amazing!" Asha gasped, excited roo roo roo. What the fuck were they supposed to make him in return???

"Where should we put it??"

What do you send a guy that MAKES GIFTS???

Oh my God. "Go jaguars." Like they were the sports team. He brushed paper off if it.

"Somewhere upstairs. So we're not entirely selling ourselves out," said Abraham, who had a jaguar keychain on his keys despite not driving a jaguar.

"I dunno what to get him. What do bear carpenters like?"

He held the carving out to Asha for her inspection.

She laughed at that. Fair. Holding the statue and admiring it at every angle, Asha decided to lead the way upstairs.

"Ummmm... I dunno. Maybe replacement tools? We could also get him food and cooking things. Or! Gym stuff? We met him at the gym."


He followed her up. Abraham knew nothing about tools. No gym stuff would stand up to the stuff at the wolf gym.

Unless, like. It was a shirt or something. Gym clothes. Abraham pouted his lips thoughtfully.

"I don't know enough about tools. But maybe we can get him some cheesy bear themed stuff."

Thank fuck for Google.

About ten days later, Cliff would receive a return package filled with four gifts.

With it, a note:

Merry belated Christmas!

Thank you for that beautiful statue!! We don't know how to make things so we just bought stuff we thought would be good in case you ever forget how much you like bears.

All of this is extremely tacky. You cannot out-tack us. Hope we're still friends after this!

- Asha and Abraham

(and a hastily written extra note)
P.S. Also please let me know that you got the joke because Abraham didn't.


Cliff fucking loved his friends. The shirt would be worn shamelessly, the poser hung in his shop, the book read eagerly and cheered at for the brown bear's win, and those oven mitts would be all he ever wore when cooking for the rest of his life.

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